Things I would buy with the Eurobond
Things I would buy with Eurobond money
Twitter followers
We live in the social error (pun intended), and the level of happiness of most social media users is greatly influenced the number of of likes, retweets, ‘friends’ or followers. (Please readers, allow me to use the term friends in quotation marks for the rest of this article, thank you.) Researchers of social media trends have crafted the term ‘the cost of caring’ which shows that change; especially negative in any of the above variables ―followers, ‘friends’, retweets ― can lead to something called Social Media Anxiety Disorder (SMAD) which is as potent a disease as any other. It’s another level of addiction all together, almost overtaking the addiction from California corn or Acapulco gold.
How do you know that you have SMAD? You can’t be away from your device for more than five minutes. You keep refreshing your news feed for likes or retweets. You change your profile picture every fort night. Your mood is dependent on the trends there and your esteem is boosted by every new follower or retweet. Scary! But it’s happening, right now as we speak, where follow trains trend more than anything on Twitter. Ha! Can we finally, safely assume that followers and retweets are worth more than breakfast?
According to Venture Beat, a survey led by Rebtel, a call provider in the US, almost 20% of 1632 American adults surveyed said that out of all social networks, Facebook has the most negative effect on their mood, and another 20% confirmed that the site has caused them the most anxiety.
It’s not easy to be all Zen once you check out the photos of your friend’s picturesque vacations and extravagant happy lifestyles on Instagram, Facebook or on that WhatsApp group. You can’t! I mean you can’t afford to read their ‘always happy statuses’ on Facebook and get sleep when you to bed at night. Most of those surveyed revealed that few or no retweets on twitter and fewer followers has led to skyrocketing levels of SMAD. The stakes are high on social media. The risks are steep. Time is not on our side! Now that we’re talking about improving lives and putting money to good use, what a better place to put than here! Buy more followers and ‘friends’ and retweets! This is what the Eurobond was invented for!
A sweeping Brazilian weave for the photos.
That way, your train of followers will have something pleasant to look at; a long sweeping horse hair at worst, at best, some dead Indian’s hair. It’s human hair baby! Well branded and packaged! Image is everything, trust me. Either way, its win-win. These kinds of hairs comes in all colors and sizes. My favorite reality TV lady-pastor usually wears one with a luxuriant fringe. This fringe that not-so-graciously drops on her forehead comes in a cocktail of colors blond/green/white/purple/black. Every Sunday! Clearly this one was bought in dollars! My sources tell me that it’s exclusively imported from Walmart. That one has Eurobond’s fingerprints all over it!
The weave one can last on the head for a whole month without washing it which just goes to show what a money-saver it is. Economics 101. We’re all about using the Eurobond properly here! I’ve also heard that if you are a hustler or a person who doesn’t earn a lot of money (because you have no side hustle church business or a ka-boutique) and can’t have it changed on a monthly basis, you can wash it, blow dry it and put it back on your heard once it starts to smell like goat shit. That way, you’ll spare yourself (and others) the pain that comes with stinking weave or the knocking of the head with the heel of your hand when the scalp starts to itch. Everyone is craving for a piece of this coveted commodity; from reality TV pastors to TV presenters cabinet secretaries to socialites to your regular chic next door! It’s the ‘in thing’ for the ‘it-girl’. The last time I heard, these weaves are worth more than a Toyota Vitz. If one goes for half a million, then my math’s tells me that a year’s stock would cost about six million! There you go! What a better way to spend the Eurobond!
Buy a fitting bandage dress complete with matching shoes.
Who is the designer of these figure hugging dresses? Yes, like the kind that the celebrity pastors and female presenters usually adorn on our TVs? The kind that leaves very little room for our imagination across the TV set? Yes, those that have us confusing our prime time news with Keeping up with the Kardashians or some night club? Yes, the ones that leave the poor presenters unable to walk properly in their six inch strappy heels? Exactly! How much do they cost again? I’ll leave it for you to research. Let’s just say that that money spend buying such an outfit would be a Eurobond well-spend.
Buy a top-notch personal dermatologist from DRC Congo
That’s the kind of skin scare specialist that Eurobond money would buy. This is a personal necessity. Your coffee black skin is flawed. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian looking like you? Or Beyoncé for that matter? So why love that skin or keep up with it for the rest of your life? Wash away the damn melanin. Completely off! Apply that cream that your very expensive London-based DRC-born dermatologist will recommend. This is not only necessary, but an important esteem-boosting exercise. Whoever you are, TV presenter or pastor or the girl next door, this is a must-do.
So now you have a personal dermatologist and a dress and a weave and thousands of Twitter and Instagram followers, what next? Bliss! Pure bliss!
What more would you ask for?
Catherine Amayi is a Scientist and an Author
I invite you to follow me on Twitter @catherine_amayi