Control is such a big deal, this is how I deal with it.

There are people who believe that everything gets done because they make them happen. I think I’m one such person. I’m obsessed with control. I love it when things are going my way. I love order and certainty and I am never as happier as when I’ve done everything in my power to shape things and events. I mistakenly forget that God is there to take care of all that.

I think I’m a control freak! (Jesus that thought makes me want to drink gin first thing in the morning!!)

Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about my obsession with control. I’ve been thinking about why I’m always keen to see things push through my way, you know. Unconsciously, I don’t know what it’s like to completely surrender. I love being in charge. I love the driver’s seat. Always have….

A year ago I was trying to save an impossible love. Three years earlier I was in a more or less same predicament; saving another impossible love. Two years ago, I was in a roller-coaster of dysfunctional friendships and abysses of twisted blood ties.

I was brought up to believe that the best you can do is your very best. Giving the best for me meant exhausting your power. Giving the best meant looking for the best in people and working with that alone overlooking all else. It meant focusing on a person’s potential rather than their reality, overlooking the fact that you have to live with the reality, anyhow. Giving the best meant doing everything within my power to fix things and people, for better or for worse.

Why?

To get a pat in the back from myself.

I would in turn feel good about it! I would say to me “well done Cathy!”

That was the up.

There was a down to that too. And it meant disillusionment in the face of failure, with a dramatic flair. I’m probably the most dramatic person I know; you see when I laugh, I laugh loudly, but I also cry with equal amount of dramatic effect. So you can imagine a situation where I’ve just been aghast. There’s no failure like that of an over-giver which I arguably am. It’s a thud!

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Earlier this year I wrote this essay which I shared with my best friend titled; ‘Destiny Thoughts’. It is too private, nevertheless, I can talk about it in bits and parts. In it, I wrote about my encounter with this very successful old friend. This encounter wasn’t as pleasant as I’d wished for two reasons; one, it felt like the old friend had beaten me to life and I was jealous about it. (Jeez! Did I just say that?) Whoa! Anyway, there! I’ve said it! It’s done! You’ve never been jealous? Good for you.

Two, and the most important thing, I felt like I had somehow failed at life. It felt like I had failed myself, (is there a worse feeling?). Essentially, I was torn between being happy for my friend and all these nasty feelings of not being so happy for him. It was confusing beyond measure! In conclusion, I wrote of how I found peace in three things; a hot sweet scented bath, my inner spirit and a glass of wine.

In this sweet scented bath, my cocktail of feelings somehow found a way to coexist peacefully. It felt like an encounter with a good friend. Perfect is an understatement. I have never been happier than I was on that night. You know how sometimes you go to those friendship meetings with people with tiny control issues like you, desperately wishing someone would say the exact right thing to help you break the toxic trance you’re in, and help you find your way back home?

Well, what would that exact thing be?

“One day at a time?” Heck! I wish I’d brought my gun, I’d shoot you.

Or…..

“You can’t feel faith and fear at the same time” how fabulous! Did God stop by this morning and tell you that?

Well, let’s see, I have a lot of faith and a lot of fear at the same time, a lot! I find the world as scary as it is magical. This place earth has never been a good match for someone like me, who has probably more drama, vulnerability and sensitivity than probably anyone I know.

Or….

My personal favorite, “God never gives us more than we can handle.”

REALLY? So let’s see, your point is, I shouldn’t feel as scared and as hopeless or sad as I do, just because the world seems to be caving in on itself, and if instead I feel very sad or not up to the challenge, the problem is with me? If someone says “let go, and let God” with certainty and cheer, I know that they secretly want to beat it. What a horrible thing to say when someone is half mad with grief or fear!

I say to the recipient, “That is complete bullshit, and you must promise me you will avoid that person like the plague for the foreseeable future because that person is a danger to your spirit.” The truth is everyone─ all the best people─ feel broken, stunned and overwhelmed some times. When people don’t, when they feel pleased with their upbeat selves and all-encompassing world view, we absolutely don’t want to sit with them or talk to them.

So what do I want to hear from someone when I feel like a mess?

I want to hear “me too. I have that too. I know what it feels like.”

I heard that exact thing in that bathtub on the 31st night. My inner spirit told me. Circumstances don’t need to change to feel peace or happiness again. It’s not in amassing or achieving.

I want to hear that I’m loved, I’m chosen, I’m welcome, no matter what a mess I’ve made of things, or how defective I still feel some times. I want to hear that it will get better, although probably not tomorrow after lunch.

The solution is knowing the truth. It is always spiritual, and it almost never has anything to do with the problem.

That’s what I wanted to hear that day. It’s what I want to hear today, and that’s what I’m going to say to you today, in spite of it all.

Best of love and wishes!

Catherine Amayi is a Scientist and an Author

Twitter: @catherine_amayi